We all know how much it is preached to live in the ‘now’, that today is a gift, that’s why its a present, and so on. Yeah that may be an incredible notion, but if the way you choose to live in the now is going to dramatically effect your future you kind of need to think again. All I crave is to live my life in the moment, to be out partying and enjoying myself; but that can only last so long – and will only continue to damage my future. What I have realized as part of my progress of getting myself in a better state of mind about life, and my future is that I have to take a step back from the intoxicating crazy lifestyle. I have to think where is this going to get you in a few months, when you are no longer a student, have no job, and cannot afford to live in the city.
What I have realized about this, is that I am actually thinking about a future; I mean it may seem like a bleak future at the minute but at least I can see past coping till the end of the day. This may seem a really minor thing, but to me it is huge. It means that I am not solely driven by this notion to destroy myself, I actually want to live. So I now can detach myself from the distractions and influences, but I will not lie that pull to the city is very, very, strong; and I have only been home a week. My mind is still very weak, I mean the weekend is looming and the overwhelming desire to go out and get absolutely shitfaced with my friends is very high. But I cannot be trusted, because it’s never just a ‘few drinks’, its me vomiting in the street because I cannot control myself. Or it’s me surrounded by random people doing drugs in an after party.
The problem is that the way most of people like to socialize, is over a few drinks; but I am not in a strong enough place to do that. So for the friends that stick by me through that, and make other plans that aren’t central to that lifestyle – you are the absolute best. To the friends that only want to spend time with my getting wrecked, even though its clearly destroying my life – you can go fuck yourselves.