Vulnerability.

My god I swear my personality is basically a sponge, I soak up everyone’s emotions, feelings, and opinions as if they are my own. I have no freaking clue why I am like this, but it honestly does my head in, and I don’t know how to control it. It’s probably partly to do with the fact that my mental state is very weak at the minute, and I suppose I don’t really know what I want from my life or what feelings I want to feel, so when people share with me plans and thoughts on things that they are so certain of and are excited about it has an effect on me, which in all honesty is Jealousy.

The biggest one is to do with university work, I do not know why everything feels like a bloody competition, but every time one of my fellow students message me about how much they have got done on there assignment, it winds me up and I get frustrated that I am not at the same level. I need to remind myself that not everyone works at the same pace, and there are so many contributing factors to the reasons why; and that’s okay. It does not mean that your work is going to be shit, just because you don’t speed through it.

Another example would be when one of my best friends messaged me all excited with plans to go to Amsterdam in May, she was so pumped and sent me all the links and all the information so I could go with them. But it honestly made me feel like shit, I thought to myself for god sake why don’t you get excited about these plans? Why don’t you want to do all these things that everyone else does? I have no clue why I feel the need to get upset about simply not confiding to what others love.

I need to learn to control my jealousy,  as it is okay to want to do things that are different, that you do not have to do those things, or make those plans just because your friends are super excited about them. You do you, and if just simply getting by is all you can face at the minute, then that’s fine. Do not over face yourself, when you 100% know that you cannot hack it. So just try to chill out a bit, and remember that when the time comes you will find something that lights a fire inside you too.

 

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