My word. these past few days have been horrendous, I feel used, down, upset, and angry and then out of nowhere i felt nothing but emptiness. Welcome back depression, you have not been missed. So I have forced myself to write this post, with a blank expression as I push through the urge to do nothing.
What has made me feel this way is feeling like I am always made to feel like the bad guy, even when I have done nothing wrong. You know when someone pushes something on you that much that you start to believe that you are the bad person? But in reality you look back and all you have done is check to see if they are okay? And see if there is anything you can do to help, and that if they don’t want you to do a certain thing you won’t to make them feel more comfortable? All that sounds pretty selfless right? But no I am being made to feel the selfish one. I just don’t understand? When it comes from someone who’s words cut so deep that you are afraid to share your thoughts because of how they react, I literally feel like a piece of literal shit. It is making me question everything about myself, and in turn has triggered my depression through the confusion and how I feel like no matter what I do, it is just going to get thrown back in my face.
I just don’t understand how voicing my opinion is selfish? And I don’t understand how someone can say that, and then drop the plans (expensive plans) that you’ve made, without even discussing them and leaving you on your own as not being selfish? I understand that everyone is going through something, and it hurts and its shit, but I do not condone when they take it out on other people who have always put them before anyone else. A lot of the time before your own sanity. I just felt the need to share my thoughts, because I have been made to feel so alone and isolated in them that I am starting to believe that I am the bad person, but I’m not.