So something horrible happened yesterday, and it made me realize how precious, but more so temporary life is. So the day was actually lovely, I went out charity shopping (thrifting) with my parents (on another note, considering doing a blog post of all the things I bought, let me know if you would like to see that? As I am an avid bargain hunter and vintage fashion / street style is a huge part of my life). Anyway the day was lovely, but as we was pulling into the crescent where we lived a sinking feeling hit my gut. The street was full of police cars and a van, and a ambulance (with the lights off) was blocking our drive.
I have not felt such a sinking feeling in my stomach since we had to get my dog put down, it was horrible. We wasn’t sure if it was something to do with us, or our family and so on. So, we pulled up next to the ambulance and rushed to our door, luckily it wasn’t too do with us. SO we waited, anxiously to find out what was going on. I live in a small village, and a small crescent so we know everyone really well so it was hard to not be worried. After seeing various police officers and paramedics coming and going from the house we found out that someone had killed themselves. Not going into anymore details than that, because this is intrusive enough.
That was honestly one of the most eye opening things to I suppose, be a part of? I mean we saw the chaos, and it hit me how much of an impact that is going to have on their family, like how will they cope? Also makes you realize how easy it is too die. Like within minutes they were here and then gone, honestly it shook me up so much and made me realize how much i actually needed to see something like that. As I have mentioned frequently on this blog I suffer with depression, and obviously suicide is something that is so often associated with it – and for good reason. I have visions / images of me dead a lot, as sort of symptom of my depression? I don’t know, but it happens a lot and I just try and brush past it as it has been happening for long enough for me to grow custom to it. HOWEVER, seeing the after affects of suicide, and seeing my mums reaction and the way it made me feel made me stay WOKE. Like yes, you may see yourself committing suicide in your head, but that is just a chemical reaction as a side effect of your depression, and this only reminds me that I do not want to die.
We all know how much it is preached to live in the ‘now’, that today is a gift, that’s why its a present, and so on. Yeah that may be an incredible notion, but if the way you choose to live in the now is going to dramatically effect your future you kind of need to think again. All I crave is to live my life in the moment, to be out partying and enjoying myself; but that can only last so long – and will only continue to damage my future. What I have realized as part of my progress of getting myself in a better state of mind about life, and my future is that I have to take a step back from the intoxicating crazy lifestyle. I have to think where is this going to get you in a few months, when you are no longer a student, have no job, and cannot afford to live in the city.
What I have realized about this, is that I am actually thinking about a future; I mean it may seem like a bleak future at the minute but at least I can see past coping till the end of the day. This may seem a really minor thing, but to me it is huge. It means that I am not solely driven by this notion to destroy myself, I actually want to live. So I now can detach myself from the distractions and influences, but I will not lie that pull to the city is very, very, strong; and I have only been home a week. My mind is still very weak, I mean the weekend is looming and the overwhelming desire to go out and get absolutely shitfaced with my friends is very high. But I cannot be trusted, because it’s never just a ‘few drinks’, its me vomiting in the street because I cannot control myself. Or it’s me surrounded by random people doing drugs in an after party.
The problem is that the way most of people like to socialize, is over a few drinks; but I am not in a strong enough place to do that. So for the friends that stick by me through that, and make other plans that aren’t central to that lifestyle – you are the absolute best. To the friends that only want to spend time with my getting wrecked, even though its clearly destroying my life – you can go fuck yourselves.
Have you ever been so drawn to something without knowing why? You feel a pull in that direction, with no explanation but the desire drives you there no matter what? That is how I explain my actions, and the way that I am always drawn to darkness; no matter how much light I let in. You see, among other aspects to my life my self-destructive tendencies like to creep their way into my number one priority in life. The problem when you seem to hate yourself as a person, is that you will let anything eat away at you until there is near enough nothing left. You let the darkness consume you till there is nothing, and that’s how I ended up a few weeks ago.
I like to make myself numb, as it takes away all my negative thoughts and feelings. But more so; I like to treat my body like shit as I believe it deserves it. It all comes down to self-love and worth, and I don’t really have either of those things – or more so I lost them through the alcohol and drug fueled fog that was University. I completely lost sense of who I was and what I enjoyed through the relentless student life, the constant partying, stress of deadlines, ease of access to everything that you shouldn’t have access too, near enough unlimited freedom. Through this constant struggle I realized a few things about myself, one thing above them all is that I am too scared too life, but also too scared to die.
The struggle of fighting against the notion that life is not worth living, that there is no point; but also fighting against the absolute fear and terror of oblivion after death made me turn to drugs too shut off the constant battle; you see the drugs would make the thoughts go away – but only until the comedown. Thus I finally let go, I thought you know what staying in this toxic environment, when I am so clearly in a weak and vulnerable mind set is a recipe for disaster; and most likely death. So I moved home, moved back to the constant fields, and the constant call of birdsong not sirens, and the smell of fresh grass not carbon.
It is not a quick fix, by all means no. I still do not love myself as a person, and that journey to self worth will be one hell of a long one. But the weight of the city no longer looms on my shoulders, and I can begin to find comfort in things that had got lost within the wreckage. All I know is that before I want to get anywhere with my life; and to achieve whatever it is that I want to achieve I need to give myself this time to heal.