Something that I have been telling myself for a good few months now is that once I have handed in all my Uni work, and I am no longer a student I can sort myself out. Isn’t t it strange how much powerful your mindset is on how you treat yourself as a person? Like, students have certain stigmas: drink too much, party all the time, sleep in, etc. And when your a student, your mindset gets set into this format during freshers week, and that’s it – before you know it every little thing that happens to you in your life gets the reply: “It’s okay, I’m a Student”.
It is so unhealthy, but it’s the environment you live in that sucks you up and spits you out in your final year as your soul crushes into your dissertation. So the point that I am getting at is that at the minute, I have the excuse of being a student to fall back on as a mask for my self destructive nature. However, once that safety blanket is taking away from me, I will have no choice but to make a big change to how I think.
You see once that student label is taken away from you, the habits that you have picked up, and the destructive lifestyle you lead all of a sudden has a different light shone upon it. It is no longer ‘cool’ and ‘normal’, it’s woah, what are you doing with your life? So that is why I have put off counselling until after April, one because I do not need that extra stress right now, and two I think I will only be fully willing to change once this time comes around.
I am hoping and praying that this change in circumstance will really make me reevaluate the way I view my life. But for the time being I have to take it day by day, and try not to fuck up too much.
My god I swear my personality is basically a sponge, I soak up everyone’s emotions, feelings, and opinions as if they are my own. I have no freaking clue why I am like this, but it honestly does my head in, and I don’t know how to control it. It’s probably partly to do with the fact that my mental state is very weak at the minute, and I suppose I don’t really know what I want from my life or what feelings I want to feel, so when people share with me plans and thoughts on things that they are so certain of and are excited about it has an effect on me, which in all honesty is Jealousy.
The biggest one is to do with university work, I do not know why everything feels like a bloody competition, but every time one of my fellow students message me about how much they have got done on there assignment, it winds me up and I get frustrated that I am not at the same level. I need to remind myself that not everyone works at the same pace, and there are so many contributing factors to the reasons why; and that’s okay. It does not mean that your work is going to be shit, just because you don’t speed through it.
Another example would be when one of my best friends messaged me all excited with plans to go to Amsterdam in May, she was so pumped and sent me all the links and all the information so I could go with them. But it honestly made me feel like shit, I thought to myself for god sake why don’t you get excited about these plans? Why don’t you want to do all these things that everyone else does? I have no clue why I feel the need to get upset about simply not confiding to what others love.
I need to learn to control my jealousy, as it is okay to want to do things that are different, that you do not have to do those things, or make those plans just because your friends are super excited about them. You do you, and if just simply getting by is all you can face at the minute, then that’s fine. Do not over face yourself, when you 100% know that you cannot hack it. So just try to chill out a bit, and remember that when the time comes you will find something that lights a fire inside you too.
So today, on a Monday of all days, my strength was tested. It was my first time back to the City since my breakdown not that long ago and resisting the temptation to stay was overwhelmingly difficult. It is so weird how a place and environment can have such a massive impact on your behavior and emotions, but it does.A few days before I was really excited about this return, I was messaging all my friends and trying to arrange to make plans, in my head I wanted too go out and party – which would mean getting wasted. There goes my brain again, looking for a quick fix. I was excited to return until it hit me with the reason why, and it’s not a positive one.
So last night in bed it all came forward and made sense to me, and a mini depression episode / breakdown occurred. I was laid in bed and thought to myself, you are just going to waste your time and money – both of which you do not have much spare to loose. I thought to myself honestly Emma it’s just not worth it, you are not going to gain anything from this in the long run because you know in that place you are a completely different person.The environment of that student house, the unlimited freedom – is a curse more than a blessing. Ultimately it is not a place that I feel happy, because the bad memories that have been made in that house seriously outweigh the good, and most of the ‘good’ memories are related to drug and alcohol abuse, which is a massive trigger.
So I went back for the day, did what I had to do then came home. No fuss, no bother. I didn’t even feel sad leaving, I was happy. I knew that I did not what to be in that environment because I could predict what was going to come. Thank God, my priorities are starting to become more positive.
One of the most common things that I tend to suffer with is negative thoughts, that manifest themselves into fits of frustration, rage and pain. Now obviously the best way to stay clear of those thoughts, is too keep yourself busy enough so that you don’t have time to get lost in your head. Having things to do, be them really minor things – or more important, has definitely helped keep my positive attitude up over the past couple of days. Now obviously this is not a solution for the negative thought about myself (and the self hate), but while I am on the journey to self appreciation it is going to really help keep me on the straight and narrow.
It’s always good to plan out your day if you don’t have any pre-made, never under estimate the power of a good list; they do wonders. So for me today I had no plans, so I decided to think of something that I could do that would keep me busy, but was also a positive/productive thing. I am a person that loves fashion, mostly street style, and thrifting is one of my favourite things to do. It is good for the environment (up-cycling), cheap, and stops my contribution to fast fashion. The other day I picked up some lovely bits, so I decided to spend today styling them up, and thinking of different ways to wear the items. Alongside this, I also had a bit of a clear out and listed a few items to sell on my Depop & Ebay. (If you want too see more posts about fashion let me know in the comments) I know it sounds silly and a very minor thing, but it really lifted my mood and I’ve had a very good – actually happy day. If you can mange to find something positive to occupy your mind to start to replace the negative ones, your journey to being happy is most definitely on its way.
Another thing I have started to enjoy again is reading; what I’ve currently had my teeth stuck into is Patti Smith’s M Train, it’s a book about her life – it isn’t anything spectacular, but ultimately that is what makes it so special (and relateable). It has actually really inspired me with my blog writing style, and focus, as she cleverly notes,
“it’s not so easy writing about nothing”.
So today is the beloved St Patrick’s Day, which for some reason (alcohol driven reason) the British love to celebrate more than St Georges Day. Everyone has a jolly old time, drinks too much Guinness and gets absolutely smashed. So today, a couple of my best friends asked me if I wanted to go to the pubs with them to drink; and I said no.
What a bloody achievement it is for me to turn down going out to drink, but more so the fact that I am not upset about it. I had a lovely day out with my family, and didn’t feel the need to go out and get drunk. The sheer strength that this has shown demonstrates how much being at home really has helped me, as if I was in the City this would be a completely different story.
Before the decision was made for me to come home, the events that led up to it started out the exact same as how tonight would’ve gone. I was going insane with boredom, of being always stuck inside doing uni work, and then being stuck inside all night alone. You see me and my thoughts do not get on so well, so when I’m stuck at home at night on my own I really do struggle to fight them (and the fight the self harm that comes along with them). So to spare me of that torture for a few hours, I decided to go to pub for a few drinks with a couple of my friends.
After a few pints, I was feeling a bit tipsy – it had actually been a while since I’d had a drink (reasons why you are soon to find out). We were having a laugh, and it was actually fun. Right up until one of my mates sent me a link to an event that same night – and that was that. All I ever need is the slightest of excuses / invitation, and that’s it; I’m off the rails. I am so weak minded when it comes down to these situations, and that is why I am so proud of my clear demonstration of strength today. I’m getting there. Nevertheless it does not change the fact that I know for a fact if I was back in the City, this would not be the case.
We all know how much it is preached to live in the ‘now’, that today is a gift, that’s why its a present, and so on. Yeah that may be an incredible notion, but if the way you choose to live in the now is going to dramatically effect your future you kind of need to think again. All I crave is to live my life in the moment, to be out partying and enjoying myself; but that can only last so long – and will only continue to damage my future. What I have realized as part of my progress of getting myself in a better state of mind about life, and my future is that I have to take a step back from the intoxicating crazy lifestyle. I have to think where is this going to get you in a few months, when you are no longer a student, have no job, and cannot afford to live in the city.
What I have realized about this, is that I am actually thinking about a future; I mean it may seem like a bleak future at the minute but at least I can see past coping till the end of the day. This may seem a really minor thing, but to me it is huge. It means that I am not solely driven by this notion to destroy myself, I actually want to live. So I now can detach myself from the distractions and influences, but I will not lie that pull to the city is very, very, strong; and I have only been home a week. My mind is still very weak, I mean the weekend is looming and the overwhelming desire to go out and get absolutely shitfaced with my friends is very high. But I cannot be trusted, because it’s never just a ‘few drinks’, its me vomiting in the street because I cannot control myself. Or it’s me surrounded by random people doing drugs in an after party.
The problem is that the way most of people like to socialize, is over a few drinks; but I am not in a strong enough place to do that. So for the friends that stick by me through that, and make other plans that aren’t central to that lifestyle – you are the absolute best. To the friends that only want to spend time with my getting wrecked, even though its clearly destroying my life – you can go fuck yourselves.
Have you ever been so drawn to something without knowing why? You feel a pull in that direction, with no explanation but the desire drives you there no matter what? That is how I explain my actions, and the way that I am always drawn to darkness; no matter how much light I let in. You see, among other aspects to my life my self-destructive tendencies like to creep their way into my number one priority in life. The problem when you seem to hate yourself as a person, is that you will let anything eat away at you until there is near enough nothing left. You let the darkness consume you till there is nothing, and that’s how I ended up a few weeks ago.
I like to make myself numb, as it takes away all my negative thoughts and feelings. But more so; I like to treat my body like shit as I believe it deserves it. It all comes down to self-love and worth, and I don’t really have either of those things – or more so I lost them through the alcohol and drug fueled fog that was University. I completely lost sense of who I was and what I enjoyed through the relentless student life, the constant partying, stress of deadlines, ease of access to everything that you shouldn’t have access too, near enough unlimited freedom. Through this constant struggle I realized a few things about myself, one thing above them all is that I am too scared too life, but also too scared to die.
The struggle of fighting against the notion that life is not worth living, that there is no point; but also fighting against the absolute fear and terror of oblivion after death made me turn to drugs too shut off the constant battle; you see the drugs would make the thoughts go away – but only until the comedown. Thus I finally let go, I thought you know what staying in this toxic environment, when I am so clearly in a weak and vulnerable mind set is a recipe for disaster; and most likely death. So I moved home, moved back to the constant fields, and the constant call of birdsong not sirens, and the smell of fresh grass not carbon.
It is not a quick fix, by all means no. I still do not love myself as a person, and that journey to self worth will be one hell of a long one. But the weight of the city no longer looms on my shoulders, and I can begin to find comfort in things that had got lost within the wreckage. All I know is that before I want to get anywhere with my life; and to achieve whatever it is that I want to achieve I need to give myself this time to heal.
Surprise, surprise like everything else in my life my blog has been abandoned, neglected and forgotten about. My life has literally fallen apart. In my final year at University, struggling through the quicksand that is deadlines, while trying to keep my head above water with my part time job. I failed, and I sank.The problem with me me and my charming self destructive tendencies is that if things do not get as low as they can get, I will never stop – or learn. Thus here I am, suffering with depression, self-harm (in more ways than one), fighting off thoughts of death, that I am weak and not worthy.
So I have moved home, left my part time job and finishing my degree from home. You know what, I have never felt more relieved in my life. To be back around nature, family, positive energy and above all love.And, things are getting better. You see once you admit something to yourself, that you have been fighting for so long the weight immediately lifts itself from your shoulders. It can be something so mediocre, but that does not mean it is any less important.See here I am, back doing things that I enjoy – I’m blogging, actually enjoying getting dressed in the morning, hey I can actually get out of bed! That is a massive achievement when you are dealing with depression, the struggle is most definitely real.
So this is just a little post, saying that I’m back. I’m getting better, and I am trying to get back to the way I am. I’m not sure what this blog will become, it could become ramblings of my struggling with depression, I could end up posting reviews, outfit posts, who knows. Whatever I feel like posting I suppose, so let’s see what happens.
Relationships, lifestyles, choices. What happens when you are faced with so many of them but you have no idea what path you want to go down, and inside you are conflicted by your own conflicting personalities that don’t know, and don’t want to choose. This is me right now, mid break down because nothing in my life is flashing green at me and making me want to choose it. You make the connection that you feel like you are floating through life, your friends help you through but most of them are in relationships or are aiming for that with their lives and it’s all they think about. Which make you wonder, is that what I want too? Do I even know what I want? Do I even want anything?
Commitment is a scary thing. Nothing lasts forever. Everything ends, feelings are broken. I basically feel like I reject any idea of thinking of what I want with my future because I’m scared that I will just get let down and broken again like I have every other time before. What lifestyle do I want to lead? A normal one, or a self destructive one? Want to know the funny thing? The self destructive path is the easier one. I would rather live the reckless and dangerous and harmful life that try and come to terms with what is happening in my mind. That is somewhere I do not want to go.
But now the choice I have to make is so much clearer I’m starting to get sad, and feel down and alone because they’re is nothing that “good” in my life and I know that I have to get myself to a better place before anything good can happen to me. Because at this rate my lifestyle doesn’t let people in the real way, and I become a bad influence along the way. I’ve got to take baby steps to get myself better, but I feel like that I am finally accepting that this place that I am in, I can’t stay like this for much longer or it will kill me.