Here Comes The Sun.

What a miracle the sun is, as I am writing this I am sat in the glorious British sunshine taking in every last second of it as we know this shit never lasts, so got too soak up every last ray. And I am sitting here finally realizing how much of an overwhelming impact the weather actually has on your mood, and current situation.

I mean if we go back to the weekend in Blackpool, as horrendously that went down due to my own mistakes, if the weather would’ve been rainy and horrible the whole weekend would’ve ended up a lot worse, and god knows what would’ve gone down. The sunshine just brings out the best in you, even if you have been through hell and have been tested to the most extreme limits – you can sit in the sunshine by the sea and forget about it all. However, if it was chucking it down with rain and was miserable, it would make the whole situation a lot more real, and much harder to bare – ending in somewhat of a nightmare.

Back to today, sitting here in the sunshine listening to Alt-J and I have the biggest smile on my face, feeling motivated and actually happy. Even if you aren’t doing a lot with your day, just being out in nature and taking in the suns glorious offerings is much better than moping about in bed, especially if you are battling depression like me. I forget sometimes how much I love to be surrounded by nature, I think it is honestly when I am happiest. When I am in my worst depressive states I always crave to run away in the darkness to an open space of green, or a forest, and just be. Just lay there peaceful and isolated and be absorbed by the earth, But there is no denying, that being out in the open countryside taking all the world has to offer is when I am also at my happiest. Reminding yourself that life is so much bigger that yourself, and feeling like everything is connect and one.  We were all created and evolved from somewhere, and you have to respect that. Everything has a purpose, and everything has beauty. When you can find beauty in literally a blade of grass, then you’re perspective on life becomes a lot less selfish.

When I moved to the City I lost that connection with nature that I have always had and believe in, and honestly it was something that always kept me sane and made me believe in myself and made me feel so much more connected with the purpose of life more than most. So I am super excited to be getting back to my roots, and finding that side of me that I had lost,

Guess who’s back.

Horray, I am back! Back too the real world after spending a month locked away slaving away on my dissertation which is finally submitted, horray! But I will tell you now I have had the month from hell, and not from the stress of the dissertation.

Last bank holiday is where it all went wrong, I went out with my gal pal for a night out but ended up with one of her so called ‘friends’, he was one of those people that peer pressures you into things, and is sorta forceful but you joke it off? I dunno, I thought to myself that he can’t be that bad if my best friend is friends with him?

So anyway the night goes on and we are ready to head out to the proper clubs, we are on our way and turns out he is on pub watch (does not surprise me) and somehow ended up manipulating me in the car to promising to stay with him if he doesn’t get in, manipulative son of a BITCH, but by this time I was proper wasted so i went along with it, my bestie didn’t say anything so that’s what happened.

We ended up going back to his for a sesh, a mad one as well got proper fucked up, and he kept encouraging me to buy him stuff, etc. but the worst is yet to come. When he had had enough of me being there because his other friends where now about and he would rather be with them, he made me get in a car with total strangers to take me back to my besties house. I had none of my stuff with me, I left it at his – but he had the CHEEK to say that I took everything with me, and that I must’ve lost it. At this point I started to breakdown, like PROPER because no one would believe me, and then I began to doubt myself. So I had to ring my mum to pick me up in tears because I thought I lost everything, so she saw me in a right state. But to no surprise, when my best mate went down to his house once he was home all my stuff was there safe and sound.

So all that stress for nothing, but lesson learned there for sure – never want too see that prick again, and I need to stop being such a nice a giving person to people who do not deserve it. SO I have been on pretty much house arrest as my mum keeps worrying sick, but she is finally cooling off now in time for me too go back to the city for a bit, thank god. I will keep you updated on my adventures, but for now, WOO I’M BACK.

Family Time.

My, oh my family is such a powerful thing, when it’s good it’s amazing. When it’s bad, may god be with you, because that shit is awkward as hell believe me, I know. I have a very lovely family, I’m not close with my more distant relatives, but my brother and sister, parents, and neice’s and Nephews are very close to my heart. But let me tell you now, I have one of the most awkward fathers in the world.

My mum and dad are still married, and they have and okay marriage, but my dad is very selfish and has the shortest fuse ever. I still love him, but he does bring the mood down a lot of the time, and for my depression that shit never ends well. I won’t go into details about it, but let’s just say his actions today got to me, and reminded me why I struggled to stay at home and be around him. But you learn to take it with a pinch of salt, and try and get on with it. You have to let the good outweigh the bad.

The good, for me over the past few weeks has been spending time with my sister and nieces, we used to be really close when I was little but we fell out, and now I am finally getting that relationship back. Having a break from all my University work and being able to mess about and be carefree for me has been a really big help, and has kept my mood a lot more positive. See the power of family can do absolute wonders when you choose to let them in, and not shut them out (like I was doing before).

So I suppose I have to learn to not dwell on the bad and just cling to the good, I cannot change my dads actions but I can teach myself to not let it get to me. As at this point in my life, and the amount of progress I’ve made would just make me go back to square one (which is not where I want to be).

Vulnerability.

My god I swear my personality is basically a sponge, I soak up everyone’s emotions, feelings, and opinions as if they are my own. I have no freaking clue why I am like this, but it honestly does my head in, and I don’t know how to control it. It’s probably partly to do with the fact that my mental state is very weak at the minute, and I suppose I don’t really know what I want from my life or what feelings I want to feel, so when people share with me plans and thoughts on things that they are so certain of and are excited about it has an effect on me, which in all honesty is Jealousy.

The biggest one is to do with university work, I do not know why everything feels like a bloody competition, but every time one of my fellow students message me about how much they have got done on there assignment, it winds me up and I get frustrated that I am not at the same level. I need to remind myself that not everyone works at the same pace, and there are so many contributing factors to the reasons why; and that’s okay. It does not mean that your work is going to be shit, just because you don’t speed through it.

Another example would be when one of my best friends messaged me all excited with plans to go to Amsterdam in May, she was so pumped and sent me all the links and all the information so I could go with them. But it honestly made me feel like shit, I thought to myself for god sake why don’t you get excited about these plans? Why don’t you want to do all these things that everyone else does? I have no clue why I feel the need to get upset about simply not confiding to what others love.

I need to learn to control my jealousy,  as it is okay to want to do things that are different, that you do not have to do those things, or make those plans just because your friends are super excited about them. You do you, and if just simply getting by is all you can face at the minute, then that’s fine. Do not over face yourself, when you 100% know that you cannot hack it. So just try to chill out a bit, and remember that when the time comes you will find something that lights a fire inside you too.

 

Keeping Busy.

One of the most common things that I tend to suffer with is negative thoughts, that manifest themselves into fits of frustration, rage and pain. Now obviously the best way to stay clear of those thoughts, is too keep yourself busy enough so that you don’t have time to get lost in your head. Having things to do, be them really minor things – or  more important, has definitely helped keep my positive attitude up over the past couple of days. Now obviously this is not a solution for the negative thought about myself (and the self hate), but while I am on the journey to self appreciation it  is going to really help keep me on the straight and narrow.

It’s always good to plan out your day if you don’t have any pre-made, never under estimate the power of a good list; they do wonders. So for me today I had no plans, so I decided to think of something that I could do that would keep me busy, but was also a positive/productive thing. I am a person that loves fashion, mostly street style, and thrifting is one of my favourite things to do. It is good for the environment (up-cycling), cheap, and stops my contribution to fast fashion. The other day I picked up some lovely bits, so I decided to spend today styling them up, and thinking of different ways to wear the items. Alongside this, I also had a bit of a clear out and listed a few items to sell on my Depop & Ebay. (If you want too see more posts about fashion let me know in the comments)  I know it sounds silly and a very minor thing, but it really lifted my mood and I’ve had a very good – actually happy day.  If you can mange to find something positive to occupy your mind to start to replace the negative ones, your journey to being happy is most definitely on its way.

Another thing I have started to enjoy again is reading; what I’ve currently had my teeth stuck into is Patti Smith’s M Train, it’s a book about her life – it isn’t anything spectacular, but ultimately that is what makes it so special (and relateable).  It has actually really inspired me with my blog writing style, and focus, as she cleverly notes,

“it’s not so easy writing about nothing”.