My word. these past few days have been horrendous, I feel used, down, upset, and angry and then out of nowhere i felt nothing but emptiness. Welcome back depression, you have not been missed. So I have forced myself to write this post, with a blank expression as I push through the urge to do nothing.
What has made me feel this way is feeling like I am always made to feel like the bad guy, even when I have done nothing wrong. You know when someone pushes something on you that much that you start to believe that you are the bad person? But in reality you look back and all you have done is check to see if they are okay? And see if there is anything you can do to help, and that if they don’t want you to do a certain thing you won’t to make them feel more comfortable? All that sounds pretty selfless right? But no I am being made to feel the selfish one. I just don’t understand? When it comes from someone who’s words cut so deep that you are afraid to share your thoughts because of how they react, I literally feel like a piece of literal shit. It is making me question everything about myself, and in turn has triggered my depression through the confusion and how I feel like no matter what I do, it is just going to get thrown back in my face.
I just don’t understand how voicing my opinion is selfish? And I don’t understand how someone can say that, and then drop the plans (expensive plans) that you’ve made, without even discussing them and leaving you on your own as not being selfish? I understand that everyone is going through something, and it hurts and its shit, but I do not condone when they take it out on other people who have always put them before anyone else. A lot of the time before your own sanity. I just felt the need to share my thoughts, because I have been made to feel so alone and isolated in them that I am starting to believe that I am the bad person, but I’m not.
So, after the recent occurrences and hushed whispers and gossip within the village concerning the suicide that I mentioned in my previous post, the overwhelming importance of understanding mental health has never been so prominent. All you ever here are the same phrases reworked, ‘oh but he seemed so happy!’. How many suicides, and how many attempts is it going to take to make people take action, and learn more about depression and the reasons why people are depressed – and the symptoms? I feel like I am stuck in a horrendous nightmare on a loop, where everyone’s reaction is always the same yet no one has took notice enough that more needs to be done.
Yesterday my mum came into my room, with worry in her eyes and she said, “but you’re okay aren’t you at the minute? And you would say if you are feeling down?”. At this moment I nearly burst into tears, imagine what my mum must be thinking and feeling all the time, that she doesn’t know if I am genuinely okay or not because we live in a society that is so brilliant at keeping up appearances. I am one of the lucky ones I suppose, that I do not feel the need to hide my sadness from my family – but I know for a fact most people don’t.
However Men feel so pressured into a notion of masculinity that makes them reject everything that is female, emotions along with it. Raised to keep everything bottled up inside and not show how they truly feel, and then people are surprised when a man commits suicide when they seemed happy? PEOPLE, WAKE UP. More needs to be done to make people, not just men – feel more comfortable about talking about their emotions and depression, they need to know that it is okay to not be okay. We all can’t keep living this lie that everything is perfect, like the images and personas we see plastered all over social media – none of it is real. Isn’t it sickening that we live in a time when we can hardly tell the difference between the happy and the sad, simply because they do not feel safe or comfortable enough to be themselves. There is nothing wrong with depression, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad. You have to learn to accept it as a part of you, and not fight the fact that you are different. But as a society we need to do more to make those that are suffering feel like they are not alone.
So something horrible happened yesterday, and it made me realize how precious, but more so temporary life is. So the day was actually lovely, I went out charity shopping (thrifting) with my parents (on another note, considering doing a blog post of all the things I bought, let me know if you would like to see that? As I am an avid bargain hunter and vintage fashion / street style is a huge part of my life). Anyway the day was lovely, but as we was pulling into the crescent where we lived a sinking feeling hit my gut. The street was full of police cars and a van, and a ambulance (with the lights off) was blocking our drive.
I have not felt such a sinking feeling in my stomach since we had to get my dog put down, it was horrible. We wasn’t sure if it was something to do with us, or our family and so on. So, we pulled up next to the ambulance and rushed to our door, luckily it wasn’t too do with us. SO we waited, anxiously to find out what was going on. I live in a small village, and a small crescent so we know everyone really well so it was hard to not be worried. After seeing various police officers and paramedics coming and going from the house we found out that someone had killed themselves. Not going into anymore details than that, because this is intrusive enough.
That was honestly one of the most eye opening things to I suppose, be a part of? I mean we saw the chaos, and it hit me how much of an impact that is going to have on their family, like how will they cope? Also makes you realize how easy it is too die. Like within minutes they were here and then gone, honestly it shook me up so much and made me realize how much i actually needed to see something like that. As I have mentioned frequently on this blog I suffer with depression, and obviously suicide is something that is so often associated with it – and for good reason. I have visions / images of me dead a lot, as sort of symptom of my depression? I don’t know, but it happens a lot and I just try and brush past it as it has been happening for long enough for me to grow custom to it. HOWEVER, seeing the after affects of suicide, and seeing my mums reaction and the way it made me feel made me stay WOKE. Like yes, you may see yourself committing suicide in your head, but that is just a chemical reaction as a side effect of your depression, and this only reminds me that I do not want to die.
What a miracle the sun is, as I am writing this I am sat in the glorious British sunshine taking in every last second of it as we know this shit never lasts, so got too soak up every last ray. And I am sitting here finally realizing how much of an overwhelming impact the weather actually has on your mood, and current situation.
I mean if we go back to the weekend in Blackpool, as horrendously that went down due to my own mistakes, if the weather would’ve been rainy and horrible the whole weekend would’ve ended up a lot worse, and god knows what would’ve gone down. The sunshine just brings out the best in you, even if you have been through hell and have been tested to the most extreme limits – you can sit in the sunshine by the sea and forget about it all. However, if it was chucking it down with rain and was miserable, it would make the whole situation a lot more real, and much harder to bare – ending in somewhat of a nightmare.
Back to today, sitting here in the sunshine listening to Alt-J and I have the biggest smile on my face, feeling motivated and actually happy. Even if you aren’t doing a lot with your day, just being out in nature and taking in the suns glorious offerings is much better than moping about in bed, especially if you are battling depression like me. I forget sometimes how much I love to be surrounded by nature, I think it is honestly when I am happiest. When I am in my worst depressive states I always crave to run away in the darkness to an open space of green, or a forest, and just be. Just lay there peaceful and isolated and be absorbed by the earth, But there is no denying, that being out in the open countryside taking all the world has to offer is when I am also at my happiest. Reminding yourself that life is so much bigger that yourself, and feeling like everything is connect and one. We were all created and evolved from somewhere, and you have to respect that. Everything has a purpose, and everything has beauty. When you can find beauty in literally a blade of grass, then you’re perspective on life becomes a lot less selfish.
When I moved to the City I lost that connection with nature that I have always had and believe in, and honestly it was something that always kept me sane and made me believe in myself and made me feel so much more connected with the purpose of life more than most. So I am super excited to be getting back to my roots, and finding that side of me that I had lost,
My, oh my family is such a powerful thing, when it’s good it’s amazing. When it’s bad, may god be with you, because that shit is awkward as hell believe me, I know. I have a very lovely family, I’m not close with my more distant relatives, but my brother and sister, parents, and neice’s and Nephews are very close to my heart. But let me tell you now, I have one of the most awkward fathers in the world.
My mum and dad are still married, and they have and okay marriage, but my dad is very selfish and has the shortest fuse ever. I still love him, but he does bring the mood down a lot of the time, and for my depression that shit never ends well. I won’t go into details about it, but let’s just say his actions today got to me, and reminded me why I struggled to stay at home and be around him. But you learn to take it with a pinch of salt, and try and get on with it. You have to let the good outweigh the bad.
The good, for me over the past few weeks has been spending time with my sister and nieces, we used to be really close when I was little but we fell out, and now I am finally getting that relationship back. Having a break from all my University work and being able to mess about and be carefree for me has been a really big help, and has kept my mood a lot more positive. See the power of family can do absolute wonders when you choose to let them in, and not shut them out (like I was doing before).
So I suppose I have to learn to not dwell on the bad and just cling to the good, I cannot change my dads actions but I can teach myself to not let it get to me. As at this point in my life, and the amount of progress I’ve made would just make me go back to square one (which is not where I want to be).
My god I swear my personality is basically a sponge, I soak up everyone’s emotions, feelings, and opinions as if they are my own. I have no freaking clue why I am like this, but it honestly does my head in, and I don’t know how to control it. It’s probably partly to do with the fact that my mental state is very weak at the minute, and I suppose I don’t really know what I want from my life or what feelings I want to feel, so when people share with me plans and thoughts on things that they are so certain of and are excited about it has an effect on me, which in all honesty is Jealousy.
The biggest one is to do with university work, I do not know why everything feels like a bloody competition, but every time one of my fellow students message me about how much they have got done on there assignment, it winds me up and I get frustrated that I am not at the same level. I need to remind myself that not everyone works at the same pace, and there are so many contributing factors to the reasons why; and that’s okay. It does not mean that your work is going to be shit, just because you don’t speed through it.
Another example would be when one of my best friends messaged me all excited with plans to go to Amsterdam in May, she was so pumped and sent me all the links and all the information so I could go with them. But it honestly made me feel like shit, I thought to myself for god sake why don’t you get excited about these plans? Why don’t you want to do all these things that everyone else does? I have no clue why I feel the need to get upset about simply not confiding to what others love.
I need to learn to control my jealousy, as it is okay to want to do things that are different, that you do not have to do those things, or make those plans just because your friends are super excited about them. You do you, and if just simply getting by is all you can face at the minute, then that’s fine. Do not over face yourself, when you 100% know that you cannot hack it. So just try to chill out a bit, and remember that when the time comes you will find something that lights a fire inside you too.
So today, on a Monday of all days, my strength was tested. It was my first time back to the City since my breakdown not that long ago and resisting the temptation to stay was overwhelmingly difficult. It is so weird how a place and environment can have such a massive impact on your behavior and emotions, but it does.A few days before I was really excited about this return, I was messaging all my friends and trying to arrange to make plans, in my head I wanted too go out and party – which would mean getting wasted. There goes my brain again, looking for a quick fix. I was excited to return until it hit me with the reason why, and it’s not a positive one.
So last night in bed it all came forward and made sense to me, and a mini depression episode / breakdown occurred. I was laid in bed and thought to myself, you are just going to waste your time and money – both of which you do not have much spare to loose. I thought to myself honestly Emma it’s just not worth it, you are not going to gain anything from this in the long run because you know in that place you are a completely different person.The environment of that student house, the unlimited freedom – is a curse more than a blessing. Ultimately it is not a place that I feel happy, because the bad memories that have been made in that house seriously outweigh the good, and most of the ‘good’ memories are related to drug and alcohol abuse, which is a massive trigger.
So I went back for the day, did what I had to do then came home. No fuss, no bother. I didn’t even feel sad leaving, I was happy. I knew that I did not what to be in that environment because I could predict what was going to come. Thank God, my priorities are starting to become more positive.
One of the most common things that I tend to suffer with is negative thoughts, that manifest themselves into fits of frustration, rage and pain. Now obviously the best way to stay clear of those thoughts, is too keep yourself busy enough so that you don’t have time to get lost in your head. Having things to do, be them really minor things – or more important, has definitely helped keep my positive attitude up over the past couple of days. Now obviously this is not a solution for the negative thought about myself (and the self hate), but while I am on the journey to self appreciation it is going to really help keep me on the straight and narrow.
It’s always good to plan out your day if you don’t have any pre-made, never under estimate the power of a good list; they do wonders. So for me today I had no plans, so I decided to think of something that I could do that would keep me busy, but was also a positive/productive thing. I am a person that loves fashion, mostly street style, and thrifting is one of my favourite things to do. It is good for the environment (up-cycling), cheap, and stops my contribution to fast fashion. The other day I picked up some lovely bits, so I decided to spend today styling them up, and thinking of different ways to wear the items. Alongside this, I also had a bit of a clear out and listed a few items to sell on my Depop & Ebay. (If you want too see more posts about fashion let me know in the comments) I know it sounds silly and a very minor thing, but it really lifted my mood and I’ve had a very good – actually happy day. If you can mange to find something positive to occupy your mind to start to replace the negative ones, your journey to being happy is most definitely on its way.
Another thing I have started to enjoy again is reading; what I’ve currently had my teeth stuck into is Patti Smith’s M Train, it’s a book about her life – it isn’t anything spectacular, but ultimately that is what makes it so special (and relateable). It has actually really inspired me with my blog writing style, and focus, as she cleverly notes,
“it’s not so easy writing about nothing”.
We all know how much it is preached to live in the ‘now’, that today is a gift, that’s why its a present, and so on. Yeah that may be an incredible notion, but if the way you choose to live in the now is going to dramatically effect your future you kind of need to think again. All I crave is to live my life in the moment, to be out partying and enjoying myself; but that can only last so long – and will only continue to damage my future. What I have realized as part of my progress of getting myself in a better state of mind about life, and my future is that I have to take a step back from the intoxicating crazy lifestyle. I have to think where is this going to get you in a few months, when you are no longer a student, have no job, and cannot afford to live in the city.
What I have realized about this, is that I am actually thinking about a future; I mean it may seem like a bleak future at the minute but at least I can see past coping till the end of the day. This may seem a really minor thing, but to me it is huge. It means that I am not solely driven by this notion to destroy myself, I actually want to live. So I now can detach myself from the distractions and influences, but I will not lie that pull to the city is very, very, strong; and I have only been home a week. My mind is still very weak, I mean the weekend is looming and the overwhelming desire to go out and get absolutely shitfaced with my friends is very high. But I cannot be trusted, because it’s never just a ‘few drinks’, its me vomiting in the street because I cannot control myself. Or it’s me surrounded by random people doing drugs in an after party.
The problem is that the way most of people like to socialize, is over a few drinks; but I am not in a strong enough place to do that. So for the friends that stick by me through that, and make other plans that aren’t central to that lifestyle – you are the absolute best. To the friends that only want to spend time with my getting wrecked, even though its clearly destroying my life – you can go fuck yourselves.
Have you ever been so drawn to something without knowing why? You feel a pull in that direction, with no explanation but the desire drives you there no matter what? That is how I explain my actions, and the way that I am always drawn to darkness; no matter how much light I let in. You see, among other aspects to my life my self-destructive tendencies like to creep their way into my number one priority in life. The problem when you seem to hate yourself as a person, is that you will let anything eat away at you until there is near enough nothing left. You let the darkness consume you till there is nothing, and that’s how I ended up a few weeks ago.
I like to make myself numb, as it takes away all my negative thoughts and feelings. But more so; I like to treat my body like shit as I believe it deserves it. It all comes down to self-love and worth, and I don’t really have either of those things – or more so I lost them through the alcohol and drug fueled fog that was University. I completely lost sense of who I was and what I enjoyed through the relentless student life, the constant partying, stress of deadlines, ease of access to everything that you shouldn’t have access too, near enough unlimited freedom. Through this constant struggle I realized a few things about myself, one thing above them all is that I am too scared too life, but also too scared to die.
The struggle of fighting against the notion that life is not worth living, that there is no point; but also fighting against the absolute fear and terror of oblivion after death made me turn to drugs too shut off the constant battle; you see the drugs would make the thoughts go away – but only until the comedown. Thus I finally let go, I thought you know what staying in this toxic environment, when I am so clearly in a weak and vulnerable mind set is a recipe for disaster; and most likely death. So I moved home, moved back to the constant fields, and the constant call of birdsong not sirens, and the smell of fresh grass not carbon.
It is not a quick fix, by all means no. I still do not love myself as a person, and that journey to self worth will be one hell of a long one. But the weight of the city no longer looms on my shoulders, and I can begin to find comfort in things that had got lost within the wreckage. All I know is that before I want to get anywhere with my life; and to achieve whatever it is that I want to achieve I need to give myself this time to heal.