So I have finally devised a sensible plan for my future that has proper taken the stress of me, and made me realise there is no point in rushing things. The final year of university has been hell, putting me through so much stress for various reasons and triggered a mental breakdown and my depression in the process, so safe to say I need a break. However instead of just calling it quits I had a good old chat with my mamma and we came up with a plan/goal to aim for, so the plan is too take a year out and move back to the City next September to do my post-graduate.
It is crazy how much setting up this goal really cheered me up and motivated me, and made me feel less useless. As my original plan was to stay in the City no matter what, but I am so glad i am doing it this way as it is what is going to work best for me. Also, if people can’t understand my decision, then they can’t understand that what is right for you is not necessarily going to be the same for me. I have accepted that not everyone has to live life at the same pace, and you do not have to try to keep up with other people just for the sake of it (because that will backfire on you in the future).
So I am taking it day by day, but to stop the boredom or shitty feeling of not being good enough kicking in I have made sure I have plans sorted for the summer, so that I have things too look forward too. Starting of with this weekend, me and my bestie Sophie are heading to Blackpool for the weekend, to mess around like little kids and have a laugh. Having these small plans really does motivate your day to day life, so it is something I 100% recommend for people who were struggling to get out of bed / through the day like I was. Also look out for a cute post about Blackpool once I am back, hoping to get some good photos as well so watch this space.
So yesterday while enjoying a long car journey in the countryside, anyone else love the journey to somewhere more than getting to the destination? Being able to look out into the world with no cares or worries, imaging all types of fantasies that you never want to end? Anyway, I had my music on, and I was looking out at the fields and a massive smile swept upon myself, and for the first time in my life I felt optimism. I realized that I do have a future, and I can be happy. I do not think I have ever felt a more natural happiness and weight lifted off my shoulders in that moment, when I finally realized i am actually going to be okay.
It’s weird how those moments can just come out of nowhere, and completely change your outlook on life. Now that I know i want to live, and I want a future for myself the extreme side to my self destructive tendencies have started to cool off, don’t get me wrong they are still there – just not as intense. However this is all in the environment of my family room, in the middle of the countryside where the devil does not loom as much on my shoulder as it does in the city. Therefor the real test for me is going to be this weekend when I go back too the City.
I’m not moving back, I’m just going back for a few days to test the water and get some work done for my dissertation. My best friend from home is coming with me for a night out tomorrow night, and the way that pans out is going to be the truest test for me – to try not to take it too far, and to just have a good happy time. But I also want too see if my mood, and episodes come back with being back there, I’m hoping that because there is always going to be someone there I can talk too during my stay that it hopefully won’t be as bad as before. As I can’t run from it forever, I need to get on with my life and make something for myself – and the City is the best place for that.