So, after the recent occurrences and hushed whispers and gossip within the village concerning the suicide that I mentioned in my previous post, the overwhelming importance of understanding mental health has never been so prominent. All you ever here are the same phrases reworked, ‘oh but he seemed so happy!’. How many suicides, and how many attempts is it going to take to make people take action, and learn more about depression and the reasons why people are depressed – and the symptoms? I feel like I am stuck in a horrendous nightmare on a loop, where everyone’s reaction is always the same yet no one has took notice enough that more needs to be done.
Yesterday my mum came into my room, with worry in her eyes and she said, “but you’re okay aren’t you at the minute? And you would say if you are feeling down?”. At this moment I nearly burst into tears, imagine what my mum must be thinking and feeling all the time, that she doesn’t know if I am genuinely okay or not because we live in a society that is so brilliant at keeping up appearances. I am one of the lucky ones I suppose, that I do not feel the need to hide my sadness from my family – but I know for a fact most people don’t.
However Men feel so pressured into a notion of masculinity that makes them reject everything that is female, emotions along with it. Raised to keep everything bottled up inside and not show how they truly feel, and then people are surprised when a man commits suicide when they seemed happy? PEOPLE, WAKE UP. More needs to be done to make people, not just men – feel more comfortable about talking about their emotions and depression, they need to know that it is okay to not be okay. We all can’t keep living this lie that everything is perfect, like the images and personas we see plastered all over social media – none of it is real. Isn’t it sickening that we live in a time when we can hardly tell the difference between the happy and the sad, simply because they do not feel safe or comfortable enough to be themselves. There is nothing wrong with depression, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad. You have to learn to accept it as a part of you, and not fight the fact that you are different. But as a society we need to do more to make those that are suffering feel like they are not alone.
What a miracle the sun is, as I am writing this I am sat in the glorious British sunshine taking in every last second of it as we know this shit never lasts, so got too soak up every last ray. And I am sitting here finally realizing how much of an overwhelming impact the weather actually has on your mood, and current situation.
I mean if we go back to the weekend in Blackpool, as horrendously that went down due to my own mistakes, if the weather would’ve been rainy and horrible the whole weekend would’ve ended up a lot worse, and god knows what would’ve gone down. The sunshine just brings out the best in you, even if you have been through hell and have been tested to the most extreme limits – you can sit in the sunshine by the sea and forget about it all. However, if it was chucking it down with rain and was miserable, it would make the whole situation a lot more real, and much harder to bare – ending in somewhat of a nightmare.
Back to today, sitting here in the sunshine listening to Alt-J and I have the biggest smile on my face, feeling motivated and actually happy. Even if you aren’t doing a lot with your day, just being out in nature and taking in the suns glorious offerings is much better than moping about in bed, especially if you are battling depression like me. I forget sometimes how much I love to be surrounded by nature, I think it is honestly when I am happiest. When I am in my worst depressive states I always crave to run away in the darkness to an open space of green, or a forest, and just be. Just lay there peaceful and isolated and be absorbed by the earth, But there is no denying, that being out in the open countryside taking all the world has to offer is when I am also at my happiest. Reminding yourself that life is so much bigger that yourself, and feeling like everything is connect and one. We were all created and evolved from somewhere, and you have to respect that. Everything has a purpose, and everything has beauty. When you can find beauty in literally a blade of grass, then you’re perspective on life becomes a lot less selfish.
When I moved to the City I lost that connection with nature that I have always had and believe in, and honestly it was something that always kept me sane and made me believe in myself and made me feel so much more connected with the purpose of life more than most. So I am super excited to be getting back to my roots, and finding that side of me that I had lost,
So yesterday while enjoying a long car journey in the countryside, anyone else love the journey to somewhere more than getting to the destination? Being able to look out into the world with no cares or worries, imaging all types of fantasies that you never want to end? Anyway, I had my music on, and I was looking out at the fields and a massive smile swept upon myself, and for the first time in my life I felt optimism. I realized that I do have a future, and I can be happy. I do not think I have ever felt a more natural happiness and weight lifted off my shoulders in that moment, when I finally realized i am actually going to be okay.
It’s weird how those moments can just come out of nowhere, and completely change your outlook on life. Now that I know i want to live, and I want a future for myself the extreme side to my self destructive tendencies have started to cool off, don’t get me wrong they are still there – just not as intense. However this is all in the environment of my family room, in the middle of the countryside where the devil does not loom as much on my shoulder as it does in the city. Therefor the real test for me is going to be this weekend when I go back too the City.
I’m not moving back, I’m just going back for a few days to test the water and get some work done for my dissertation. My best friend from home is coming with me for a night out tomorrow night, and the way that pans out is going to be the truest test for me – to try not to take it too far, and to just have a good happy time. But I also want too see if my mood, and episodes come back with being back there, I’m hoping that because there is always going to be someone there I can talk too during my stay that it hopefully won’t be as bad as before. As I can’t run from it forever, I need to get on with my life and make something for myself – and the City is the best place for that.
Something that I have been telling myself for a good few months now is that once I have handed in all my Uni work, and I am no longer a student I can sort myself out. Isn’t t it strange how much powerful your mindset is on how you treat yourself as a person? Like, students have certain stigmas: drink too much, party all the time, sleep in, etc. And when your a student, your mindset gets set into this format during freshers week, and that’s it – before you know it every little thing that happens to you in your life gets the reply: “It’s okay, I’m a Student”.
It is so unhealthy, but it’s the environment you live in that sucks you up and spits you out in your final year as your soul crushes into your dissertation. So the point that I am getting at is that at the minute, I have the excuse of being a student to fall back on as a mask for my self destructive nature. However, once that safety blanket is taking away from me, I will have no choice but to make a big change to how I think.
You see once that student label is taken away from you, the habits that you have picked up, and the destructive lifestyle you lead all of a sudden has a different light shone upon it. It is no longer ‘cool’ and ‘normal’, it’s woah, what are you doing with your life? So that is why I have put off counselling until after April, one because I do not need that extra stress right now, and two I think I will only be fully willing to change once this time comes around.
I am hoping and praying that this change in circumstance will really make me reevaluate the way I view my life. But for the time being I have to take it day by day, and try not to fuck up too much.