Isolation in the mind

My word. these past few days have been horrendous, I feel used, down, upset, and angry and then out of nowhere i felt nothing but emptiness.  Welcome back depression, you have not been missed. So I have forced myself to write this post, with a blank expression as I push through the urge to do nothing.

What has made me feel this way is feeling like I am always made to feel like the bad guy, even when I have done nothing wrong. You know when someone pushes something on you that much that you start to believe that you are the bad person? But in reality you look back and all you have done is check to see if they are okay? And see if there is anything you can do to help, and that if they don’t want you to do a certain thing you won’t to make them feel more comfortable? All that sounds pretty selfless right? But no I am being made to feel the selfish one. I just don’t understand? When it comes from someone who’s words cut so deep that you are afraid to share your thoughts because of how they react, I literally feel like a piece of literal shit. It is making me question everything about myself, and  in turn has triggered my depression through the confusion and how I feel like no matter what I do, it is just going to get thrown back in my face.

I just don’t understand how voicing my opinion is selfish? And I don’t understand how someone can say that, and then drop the plans (expensive plans) that you’ve made, without even discussing them and leaving you on your own as not being selfish? I understand that everyone is going through something, and it hurts and its shit, but I do not condone when they take it out on other people who have always put them before anyone else. A lot of the time before your own sanity. I just felt the need to share my thoughts, because I have been made to feel so alone and isolated in them that I am starting to believe that I am the bad person, but I’m not.

This is Manchester.

So, on the 22nd of May our lives have been changed, my the Manchester Suicide bombing. I have put of writing this blog post as this happened, and hits very close to home. If you’ve been following my blog for a while you will know that I have lived in Manchester for the past few years, and as many upsets I have had within it – it hold a special place in my heart that will never be replaced.

So the day of the attack, I was in the City Centre with my parents, until about 8 in the evening having a lovely day in the sunshine. We got back to my house, which is a fair distance from the arena so we were safe. Once it had happened, and the news started to flood in, I originally thought it was just a fault with the lights / technology within the arena. That’s my optimistic mind set kicking in, as I couldn’t ever comprehend a attack on an arena that was full of children and teenagers, as that is what makes up most of Ariana’s demographic.

I went to sleep, not thinking much of it, and I woke up to pure hell. All my friends and family from home were messaging me asking if I was okay, and seeing the heart sinking news of what happened. But the way the community of Manchester came together (not to my surprise), demonstrates how we will never be defeated, and we will go on loving, and enjoying our lives.  That day, we went ahead as we planned, to go for a day out in Liverpool for my early 21st Birthday celebrations, we laughed, we cried, we drank, and it was lovely. We didn’t let it stop us living our lives, but It was always in the back of our minds how heart breaking it all was, and how you can never take a day for granted in your life ever again.

Fingers crossed this weekend / Monday I will be getting to Manchester worker bee tattoo that all the profits go to charity, hopefully I get there in time to be able to do my bit and have a piece of Manchester as a part of me forever both visibly and physically within my heart. We will not be defeated.

Stay Woke.

So something horrible happened yesterday, and it made me realize how precious, but more so temporary life is. So the day was actually lovely, I went out charity shopping (thrifting) with my parents (on another note, considering doing a blog post of all the things I bought, let me know if you would like to see that? As I am an avid bargain hunter and vintage fashion / street style is a huge part of my life). Anyway the day was lovely, but as we was pulling into the crescent where we lived a sinking feeling hit my gut. The street was full of police cars and a van, and a ambulance (with the lights off) was blocking our drive.

I have not felt such a sinking feeling in my stomach since we had to get my dog put down, it was horrible. We wasn’t sure if it was something to do with us, or our family and so on. So, we pulled up next to the ambulance and rushed to our door, luckily it wasn’t too do with us. SO we waited, anxiously to find out what was going on. I live in a small village, and a small crescent so we know everyone really well so it was hard to not be worried. After seeing various police officers and paramedics coming and going from the house we found out that someone had killed themselves. Not going into anymore details than that, because this is intrusive enough.

That was honestly one of the most eye opening things to I suppose, be a part of? I mean we saw the chaos, and it hit me how much of an impact that is going to have on their family, like how will they cope? Also makes you realize how easy it is too die. Like within minutes they were here and then gone, honestly it shook me up so much and made me realize how much i actually needed to see something like that. As I have mentioned frequently on this blog I suffer with depression, and obviously suicide is something that is so often associated with it – and for good reason. I have visions / images of me dead a lot, as sort of symptom of my depression? I don’t know, but it happens a lot and I just try and brush past it as it has been happening for long enough for me to grow custom to it. HOWEVER, seeing the after affects of suicide, and seeing my mums reaction and the way it made me feel made me stay WOKE. Like yes, you may see yourself committing suicide in your head, but that is just a chemical reaction as a side effect of your depression, and this only reminds me that I do not want to die.

Oh, fuck.

So I have been putting of writing this post for so long, mainly because I do not want to revisit the dreaded weekend, and how disappointed I am with myself with how it all went down. Emma = 0, Karma =1. So as mentioned in my previous post I had amazingly optimistic and idyllic plans for the weekend in Blackpool, and like near enough everything good in my life I managed to find a way to fuck it up – and karma kept reminding me the whole weekend. What. A. Mess. Honestly, you could not make it up.

Where it all started, and the cause of this spiraling issue, was of course the devil that is alcohol. On the Friday, the night before we were going to Blackpool our student house had a meeting with our annoyingly big headed ass of a landlord, to discuss cleaning the house and all the b/s, so obviously the stress of that made a few drinks go down an absolute treat. We had plans as a group to go out for a few drinks, not go out out just a few bars, oh the naivety. We was all sound – until I had to go pick up our party favors for the rave the following night, and lets say it was all downhill from here.

The night out was actually pretty sound, got absolutely smashed but got home at on okay time – however the niggling thought of the stuff I had picked up that night was in the back of my mind, once we got back to the house the sesh temptation was too much and the gremlin within me came out to play, next thing you know we’ve had no sleep, absolutely wired about to get the train to blackpool, standard.

Basically completely fucked up the whole weekend, because inevitably on the train there we crashed, and felt like death. Alongside this, we had tickets for pleasure beach that went to complete waste as we could not hack the rides, and obviously couldn’t make it too the rave as it would’ve taken too much out of us. So the devil on our shoulders, he won. BUT, we thought to ourselves it is okay we can still make the most out of the next day, as we had an open return. So we planned to have a nice lil day so that it did not feel completely wasted.

The weather was actually lush, the one thing that was actually in our favor this weekend. So, we went on a cute little walk on the beach and stuff, went to to the pier went on a few fairground rides, had a few drinks and it was actually a really sweet day. Ah but never the less, karma was still their to remind us how we well and truly FUCKED up, as we left our bags in a 24 hour locker, but when we went to pick our stuff up they were locked up behind the gates, thus we had to go all the way back to Manc to then the train back the next day to pick our stuff up.

SO if all this SHIT doesn’t teach me to be sensible and think ahead instead of always just thinking in the moment I don’t know what will, you really need to learn to take a step back and reevaluate instead of going full throttle and just thinking ‘I’ll deal with it later’. It just goes to show how much you loose sense of all your SENSE when you drink, and also how reckless and careless I am to have not even cared at the time with what I was doing, and that whole weekend and what went down has really taught me to be different. I cannot keep fucking up things that are actually good, just because deep down I don’t believe I am worthy of good.

Guess who’s back.

Horray, I am back! Back too the real world after spending a month locked away slaving away on my dissertation which is finally submitted, horray! But I will tell you now I have had the month from hell, and not from the stress of the dissertation.

Last bank holiday is where it all went wrong, I went out with my gal pal for a night out but ended up with one of her so called ‘friends’, he was one of those people that peer pressures you into things, and is sorta forceful but you joke it off? I dunno, I thought to myself that he can’t be that bad if my best friend is friends with him?

So anyway the night goes on and we are ready to head out to the proper clubs, we are on our way and turns out he is on pub watch (does not surprise me) and somehow ended up manipulating me in the car to promising to stay with him if he doesn’t get in, manipulative son of a BITCH, but by this time I was proper wasted so i went along with it, my bestie didn’t say anything so that’s what happened.

We ended up going back to his for a sesh, a mad one as well got proper fucked up, and he kept encouraging me to buy him stuff, etc. but the worst is yet to come. When he had had enough of me being there because his other friends where now about and he would rather be with them, he made me get in a car with total strangers to take me back to my besties house. I had none of my stuff with me, I left it at his – but he had the CHEEK to say that I took everything with me, and that I must’ve lost it. At this point I started to breakdown, like PROPER because no one would believe me, and then I began to doubt myself. So I had to ring my mum to pick me up in tears because I thought I lost everything, so she saw me in a right state. But to no surprise, when my best mate went down to his house once he was home all my stuff was there safe and sound.

So all that stress for nothing, but lesson learned there for sure – never want too see that prick again, and I need to stop being such a nice a giving person to people who do not deserve it. SO I have been on pretty much house arrest as my mum keeps worrying sick, but she is finally cooling off now in time for me too go back to the city for a bit, thank god. I will keep you updated on my adventures, but for now, WOO I’M BACK.

Optimism.

So yesterday while enjoying a long car journey in the countryside, anyone else love the journey to somewhere more than getting to the destination? Being able to look out into the world with no cares or worries, imaging all types of fantasies that you never want to end? Anyway,  I had my music on, and I was looking out at the fields and a massive smile swept upon myself, and for the first time in my life I felt optimism. I realized that I do have a future, and I can be happy. I do not think I have ever felt a more natural happiness and weight lifted off my shoulders in that moment, when I finally realized i am actually going to be okay.

It’s weird how those moments can just come out of nowhere, and completely change your outlook on life. Now that I know i want to live, and I want a future for myself the extreme side to my self destructive tendencies have started to cool off, don’t get me wrong they are still there – just not as intense. However this is all in the environment of my family room, in the middle of the countryside where the devil does not loom as much on my shoulder as it does in the city.  Therefor the real test for me is going to be this weekend when I go back too the City.

I’m not moving back, I’m just going back for a few days to test the water and get some work done for my dissertation. My best friend from home is coming with me for a night out tomorrow night, and the way that pans out is going to be the truest test for me – to try not to take it too far, and to just have a good happy time. But I also want too see if my mood, and episodes come back with being back there, I’m hoping that because there is always going to be someone there I can talk too during my stay that it hopefully won’t be as bad as before. As I can’t run from it forever, I need to get on with my life and make something for myself – and the City is the best place for that.

Family Time.

My, oh my family is such a powerful thing, when it’s good it’s amazing. When it’s bad, may god be with you, because that shit is awkward as hell believe me, I know. I have a very lovely family, I’m not close with my more distant relatives, but my brother and sister, parents, and neice’s and Nephews are very close to my heart. But let me tell you now, I have one of the most awkward fathers in the world.

My mum and dad are still married, and they have and okay marriage, but my dad is very selfish and has the shortest fuse ever. I still love him, but he does bring the mood down a lot of the time, and for my depression that shit never ends well. I won’t go into details about it, but let’s just say his actions today got to me, and reminded me why I struggled to stay at home and be around him. But you learn to take it with a pinch of salt, and try and get on with it. You have to let the good outweigh the bad.

The good, for me over the past few weeks has been spending time with my sister and nieces, we used to be really close when I was little but we fell out, and now I am finally getting that relationship back. Having a break from all my University work and being able to mess about and be carefree for me has been a really big help, and has kept my mood a lot more positive. See the power of family can do absolute wonders when you choose to let them in, and not shut them out (like I was doing before).

So I suppose I have to learn to not dwell on the bad and just cling to the good, I cannot change my dads actions but I can teach myself to not let it get to me. As at this point in my life, and the amount of progress I’ve made would just make me go back to square one (which is not where I want to be).

Mindsets.

Something that I have been telling myself for a good few months now is that once I have handed in all my Uni work, and I am no longer a student I can sort myself out. Isn’t t it strange how much powerful your mindset is on how you treat yourself as a person? Like, students have certain stigmas: drink too much, party all the time, sleep in, etc. And when your a student, your mindset gets set into this format during freshers week, and that’s it – before you know it every little thing that happens to you in your life gets the reply: “It’s okay, I’m a Student”.

It is so unhealthy, but it’s the environment you live in that sucks you up and spits you out in your final year as your soul crushes into your dissertation. So the point that I am getting at is that at the minute, I have the excuse of being a student to fall back on as a mask for my self destructive nature. However, once that safety blanket is taking away from me, I will have no choice but to make a big change to how I think.

You see once that student label is taken away from you, the habits that you have picked up, and the destructive lifestyle you lead all of a sudden has a different light shone upon it. It is no longer ‘cool’ and ‘normal’, it’s woah, what are you doing with your life? So that is why I have put off counselling until after April, one because I do not need that extra stress right now, and two I think I will only be fully willing to change once this time comes around.

I am hoping and praying that this change in circumstance will really make me reevaluate the way I view my life. But for the time being I have to take it day by day, and try not to fuck up too much.

Vulnerability.

My god I swear my personality is basically a sponge, I soak up everyone’s emotions, feelings, and opinions as if they are my own. I have no freaking clue why I am like this, but it honestly does my head in, and I don’t know how to control it. It’s probably partly to do with the fact that my mental state is very weak at the minute, and I suppose I don’t really know what I want from my life or what feelings I want to feel, so when people share with me plans and thoughts on things that they are so certain of and are excited about it has an effect on me, which in all honesty is Jealousy.

The biggest one is to do with university work, I do not know why everything feels like a bloody competition, but every time one of my fellow students message me about how much they have got done on there assignment, it winds me up and I get frustrated that I am not at the same level. I need to remind myself that not everyone works at the same pace, and there are so many contributing factors to the reasons why; and that’s okay. It does not mean that your work is going to be shit, just because you don’t speed through it.

Another example would be when one of my best friends messaged me all excited with plans to go to Amsterdam in May, she was so pumped and sent me all the links and all the information so I could go with them. But it honestly made me feel like shit, I thought to myself for god sake why don’t you get excited about these plans? Why don’t you want to do all these things that everyone else does? I have no clue why I feel the need to get upset about simply not confiding to what others love.

I need to learn to control my jealousy,  as it is okay to want to do things that are different, that you do not have to do those things, or make those plans just because your friends are super excited about them. You do you, and if just simply getting by is all you can face at the minute, then that’s fine. Do not over face yourself, when you 100% know that you cannot hack it. So just try to chill out a bit, and remember that when the time comes you will find something that lights a fire inside you too.

 

Resisting Temptation.

So today, on a Monday of all days, my strength was tested. It was my first time back to the City since my breakdown not that long ago and resisting the temptation to stay was overwhelmingly difficult. It is so weird how a place and environment can have such a massive impact on your behavior and emotions, but it does.A few days before I was really excited about this return, I was messaging all my friends and trying to arrange to make plans, in my head I wanted too go out and party – which would mean getting wasted. There goes my brain again, looking for a quick fix. I was excited to return until it hit me with the reason why, and it’s not a positive one.

So last night in bed it all came forward and made sense to me, and a mini depression episode / breakdown occurred. I was laid in bed and thought to myself, you are just going to waste your time and money – both of which you do not have much spare to loose. I thought to myself honestly Emma it’s just not worth it, you are not going to gain anything from this in the long run because you know in that place you are a completely different person.The environment of that student house, the unlimited freedom – is a curse more than a blessing. Ultimately it is not a place that I feel happy, because the bad memories that have been made in that house seriously outweigh the good, and most of the ‘good’ memories are related to drug and alcohol abuse, which is a massive trigger.

So I went back for the day, did what I had to do then came home. No fuss, no bother. I didn’t even feel sad leaving, I was happy. I knew that I did not what to be in that environment because I could predict what was going to come. Thank God, my priorities are starting to become more positive.