Isolation in the mind

My word. these past few days have been horrendous, I feel used, down, upset, and angry and then out of nowhere i felt nothing but emptiness.  Welcome back depression, you have not been missed. So I have forced myself to write this post, with a blank expression as I push through the urge to do nothing.

What has made me feel this way is feeling like I am always made to feel like the bad guy, even when I have done nothing wrong. You know when someone pushes something on you that much that you start to believe that you are the bad person? But in reality you look back and all you have done is check to see if they are okay? And see if there is anything you can do to help, and that if they don’t want you to do a certain thing you won’t to make them feel more comfortable? All that sounds pretty selfless right? But no I am being made to feel the selfish one. I just don’t understand? When it comes from someone who’s words cut so deep that you are afraid to share your thoughts because of how they react, I literally feel like a piece of literal shit. It is making me question everything about myself, and  in turn has triggered my depression through the confusion and how I feel like no matter what I do, it is just going to get thrown back in my face.

I just don’t understand how voicing my opinion is selfish? And I don’t understand how someone can say that, and then drop the plans (expensive plans) that you’ve made, without even discussing them and leaving you on your own as not being selfish? I understand that everyone is going through something, and it hurts and its shit, but I do not condone when they take it out on other people who have always put them before anyone else. A lot of the time before your own sanity. I just felt the need to share my thoughts, because I have been made to feel so alone and isolated in them that I am starting to believe that I am the bad person, but I’m not.

This is Manchester.

So, on the 22nd of May our lives have been changed, my the Manchester Suicide bombing. I have put of writing this blog post as this happened, and hits very close to home. If you’ve been following my blog for a while you will know that I have lived in Manchester for the past few years, and as many upsets I have had within it – it hold a special place in my heart that will never be replaced.

So the day of the attack, I was in the City Centre with my parents, until about 8 in the evening having a lovely day in the sunshine. We got back to my house, which is a fair distance from the arena so we were safe. Once it had happened, and the news started to flood in, I originally thought it was just a fault with the lights / technology within the arena. That’s my optimistic mind set kicking in, as I couldn’t ever comprehend a attack on an arena that was full of children and teenagers, as that is what makes up most of Ariana’s demographic.

I went to sleep, not thinking much of it, and I woke up to pure hell. All my friends and family from home were messaging me asking if I was okay, and seeing the heart sinking news of what happened. But the way the community of Manchester came together (not to my surprise), demonstrates how we will never be defeated, and we will go on loving, and enjoying our lives.  That day, we went ahead as we planned, to go for a day out in Liverpool for my early 21st Birthday celebrations, we laughed, we cried, we drank, and it was lovely. We didn’t let it stop us living our lives, but It was always in the back of our minds how heart breaking it all was, and how you can never take a day for granted in your life ever again.

Fingers crossed this weekend / Monday I will be getting to Manchester worker bee tattoo that all the profits go to charity, hopefully I get there in time to be able to do my bit and have a piece of Manchester as a part of me forever both visibly and physically within my heart. We will not be defeated.

Oh, fuck.

So I have been putting of writing this post for so long, mainly because I do not want to revisit the dreaded weekend, and how disappointed I am with myself with how it all went down. Emma = 0, Karma =1. So as mentioned in my previous post I had amazingly optimistic and idyllic plans for the weekend in Blackpool, and like near enough everything good in my life I managed to find a way to fuck it up – and karma kept reminding me the whole weekend. What. A. Mess. Honestly, you could not make it up.

Where it all started, and the cause of this spiraling issue, was of course the devil that is alcohol. On the Friday, the night before we were going to Blackpool our student house had a meeting with our annoyingly big headed ass of a landlord, to discuss cleaning the house and all the b/s, so obviously the stress of that made a few drinks go down an absolute treat. We had plans as a group to go out for a few drinks, not go out out just a few bars, oh the naivety. We was all sound – until I had to go pick up our party favors for the rave the following night, and lets say it was all downhill from here.

The night out was actually pretty sound, got absolutely smashed but got home at on okay time – however the niggling thought of the stuff I had picked up that night was in the back of my mind, once we got back to the house the sesh temptation was too much and the gremlin within me came out to play, next thing you know we’ve had no sleep, absolutely wired about to get the train to blackpool, standard.

Basically completely fucked up the whole weekend, because inevitably on the train there we crashed, and felt like death. Alongside this, we had tickets for pleasure beach that went to complete waste as we could not hack the rides, and obviously couldn’t make it too the rave as it would’ve taken too much out of us. So the devil on our shoulders, he won. BUT, we thought to ourselves it is okay we can still make the most out of the next day, as we had an open return. So we planned to have a nice lil day so that it did not feel completely wasted.

The weather was actually lush, the one thing that was actually in our favor this weekend. So, we went on a cute little walk on the beach and stuff, went to to the pier went on a few fairground rides, had a few drinks and it was actually a really sweet day. Ah but never the less, karma was still their to remind us how we well and truly FUCKED up, as we left our bags in a 24 hour locker, but when we went to pick our stuff up they were locked up behind the gates, thus we had to go all the way back to Manc to then the train back the next day to pick our stuff up.

SO if all this SHIT doesn’t teach me to be sensible and think ahead instead of always just thinking in the moment I don’t know what will, you really need to learn to take a step back and reevaluate instead of going full throttle and just thinking ‘I’ll deal with it later’. It just goes to show how much you loose sense of all your SENSE when you drink, and also how reckless and careless I am to have not even cared at the time with what I was doing, and that whole weekend and what went down has really taught me to be different. I cannot keep fucking up things that are actually good, just because deep down I don’t believe I am worthy of good.

Guess who’s back.

Horray, I am back! Back too the real world after spending a month locked away slaving away on my dissertation which is finally submitted, horray! But I will tell you now I have had the month from hell, and not from the stress of the dissertation.

Last bank holiday is where it all went wrong, I went out with my gal pal for a night out but ended up with one of her so called ‘friends’, he was one of those people that peer pressures you into things, and is sorta forceful but you joke it off? I dunno, I thought to myself that he can’t be that bad if my best friend is friends with him?

So anyway the night goes on and we are ready to head out to the proper clubs, we are on our way and turns out he is on pub watch (does not surprise me) and somehow ended up manipulating me in the car to promising to stay with him if he doesn’t get in, manipulative son of a BITCH, but by this time I was proper wasted so i went along with it, my bestie didn’t say anything so that’s what happened.

We ended up going back to his for a sesh, a mad one as well got proper fucked up, and he kept encouraging me to buy him stuff, etc. but the worst is yet to come. When he had had enough of me being there because his other friends where now about and he would rather be with them, he made me get in a car with total strangers to take me back to my besties house. I had none of my stuff with me, I left it at his – but he had the CHEEK to say that I took everything with me, and that I must’ve lost it. At this point I started to breakdown, like PROPER because no one would believe me, and then I began to doubt myself. So I had to ring my mum to pick me up in tears because I thought I lost everything, so she saw me in a right state. But to no surprise, when my best mate went down to his house once he was home all my stuff was there safe and sound.

So all that stress for nothing, but lesson learned there for sure – never want too see that prick again, and I need to stop being such a nice a giving person to people who do not deserve it. SO I have been on pretty much house arrest as my mum keeps worrying sick, but she is finally cooling off now in time for me too go back to the city for a bit, thank god. I will keep you updated on my adventures, but for now, WOO I’M BACK.

Optimism.

So yesterday while enjoying a long car journey in the countryside, anyone else love the journey to somewhere more than getting to the destination? Being able to look out into the world with no cares or worries, imaging all types of fantasies that you never want to end? Anyway,  I had my music on, and I was looking out at the fields and a massive smile swept upon myself, and for the first time in my life I felt optimism. I realized that I do have a future, and I can be happy. I do not think I have ever felt a more natural happiness and weight lifted off my shoulders in that moment, when I finally realized i am actually going to be okay.

It’s weird how those moments can just come out of nowhere, and completely change your outlook on life. Now that I know i want to live, and I want a future for myself the extreme side to my self destructive tendencies have started to cool off, don’t get me wrong they are still there – just not as intense. However this is all in the environment of my family room, in the middle of the countryside where the devil does not loom as much on my shoulder as it does in the city.  Therefor the real test for me is going to be this weekend when I go back too the City.

I’m not moving back, I’m just going back for a few days to test the water and get some work done for my dissertation. My best friend from home is coming with me for a night out tomorrow night, and the way that pans out is going to be the truest test for me – to try not to take it too far, and to just have a good happy time. But I also want too see if my mood, and episodes come back with being back there, I’m hoping that because there is always going to be someone there I can talk too during my stay that it hopefully won’t be as bad as before. As I can’t run from it forever, I need to get on with my life and make something for myself – and the City is the best place for that.

Resisting Temptation.

So today, on a Monday of all days, my strength was tested. It was my first time back to the City since my breakdown not that long ago and resisting the temptation to stay was overwhelmingly difficult. It is so weird how a place and environment can have such a massive impact on your behavior and emotions, but it does.A few days before I was really excited about this return, I was messaging all my friends and trying to arrange to make plans, in my head I wanted too go out and party – which would mean getting wasted. There goes my brain again, looking for a quick fix. I was excited to return until it hit me with the reason why, and it’s not a positive one.

So last night in bed it all came forward and made sense to me, and a mini depression episode / breakdown occurred. I was laid in bed and thought to myself, you are just going to waste your time and money – both of which you do not have much spare to loose. I thought to myself honestly Emma it’s just not worth it, you are not going to gain anything from this in the long run because you know in that place you are a completely different person.The environment of that student house, the unlimited freedom – is a curse more than a blessing. Ultimately it is not a place that I feel happy, because the bad memories that have been made in that house seriously outweigh the good, and most of the ‘good’ memories are related to drug and alcohol abuse, which is a massive trigger.

So I went back for the day, did what I had to do then came home. No fuss, no bother. I didn’t even feel sad leaving, I was happy. I knew that I did not what to be in that environment because I could predict what was going to come. Thank God, my priorities are starting to become more positive.

Keeping Busy.

One of the most common things that I tend to suffer with is negative thoughts, that manifest themselves into fits of frustration, rage and pain. Now obviously the best way to stay clear of those thoughts, is too keep yourself busy enough so that you don’t have time to get lost in your head. Having things to do, be them really minor things – or  more important, has definitely helped keep my positive attitude up over the past couple of days. Now obviously this is not a solution for the negative thought about myself (and the self hate), but while I am on the journey to self appreciation it  is going to really help keep me on the straight and narrow.

It’s always good to plan out your day if you don’t have any pre-made, never under estimate the power of a good list; they do wonders. So for me today I had no plans, so I decided to think of something that I could do that would keep me busy, but was also a positive/productive thing. I am a person that loves fashion, mostly street style, and thrifting is one of my favourite things to do. It is good for the environment (up-cycling), cheap, and stops my contribution to fast fashion. The other day I picked up some lovely bits, so I decided to spend today styling them up, and thinking of different ways to wear the items. Alongside this, I also had a bit of a clear out and listed a few items to sell on my Depop & Ebay. (If you want too see more posts about fashion let me know in the comments)  I know it sounds silly and a very minor thing, but it really lifted my mood and I’ve had a very good – actually happy day.  If you can mange to find something positive to occupy your mind to start to replace the negative ones, your journey to being happy is most definitely on its way.

Another thing I have started to enjoy again is reading; what I’ve currently had my teeth stuck into is Patti Smith’s M Train, it’s a book about her life – it isn’t anything spectacular, but ultimately that is what makes it so special (and relateable).  It has actually really inspired me with my blog writing style, and focus, as she cleverly notes,

“it’s not so easy writing about nothing”. 

Having Strength | 17/03/2017

So today is the beloved St Patrick’s Day, which for some reason (alcohol driven reason) the British love to celebrate more than St Georges Day. Everyone has a jolly old time, drinks too much Guinness and gets absolutely smashed. So today, a couple of my best friends asked me if I wanted to go to the pubs with them to drink; and I said no.

What a bloody achievement it is for me to turn down going out to drink, but more so the fact that I am not upset about it. I had a lovely day out with my family, and didn’t feel the need to go out and get drunk. The sheer strength that this has shown demonstrates how much being at home really has helped me, as if I was in the City this would be a completely different story.

Before the decision was made for me to come home, the events that led up to it started out the exact same as how tonight would’ve gone. I was going insane with boredom, of being always stuck inside doing uni work, and then being stuck inside all night alone. You see me and my thoughts do not get on so well, so when I’m stuck at home at night on my own I really do struggle to fight them (and the fight the self harm that comes along with them). So to spare me of that torture for a few hours, I decided to go to pub for a few drinks with a couple of my friends.

After a few pints, I was feeling a bit tipsy – it had actually been a while since I’d had a drink (reasons why you are soon to find out). We were having a laugh, and it was actually fun. Right up until one of my mates sent me a link to an event that same night – and that was that. All I ever need is the slightest of excuses / invitation, and that’s it; I’m off the rails. I am so weak minded when it comes down to these situations, and that is why I am so proud of my clear demonstration of strength today. I’m getting there. Nevertheless it does not change the fact that I know for a fact if I was back in the City, this would not be the case.

Craving Darkness | 15/03/2017

Have you ever been so drawn to something without knowing why? You feel a pull in that direction, with no explanation but the desire drives you there no matter what? That is how I explain my actions, and the way that I am always drawn to darkness; no matter how much light I let in. You see, among other aspects to my life my self-destructive tendencies like to creep their way into my number one priority in life. The problem when you seem to hate yourself as a person, is that you will let anything eat away at you until there is near enough nothing left. You let the darkness consume you till there is nothing, and that’s how I ended up a few weeks ago.

I like to make myself numb, as it takes away all my negative thoughts and feelings. But more so; I like to treat my body like shit as I believe it deserves it. It all comes down to self-love and worth, and I don’t really have either of those things – or more so I lost them through the alcohol and drug fueled fog that was University. I completely lost sense of who I was and what I enjoyed through the relentless student life, the constant partying, stress of deadlines, ease of access to everything that you shouldn’t have access too, near enough unlimited freedom. Through this constant struggle I realized a few things about myself, one thing above them all is that I am too scared too life, but also too scared to die.

The struggle of fighting against the notion that life is not worth living, that there is no point; but also fighting against the absolute fear and terror of oblivion after death made me turn to drugs too shut off the constant battle; you see the drugs would make the thoughts go away – but only until the comedown. Thus I finally let go, I thought you know what staying in this toxic environment, when I am so clearly in a weak  and vulnerable mind set is a recipe for disaster; and most likely death. So I moved home, moved back to the constant fields, and the constant call of birdsong not sirens, and the smell of fresh grass not carbon.

It is not a quick fix, by all means no. I still do not love myself as a person, and that journey to self worth will be one hell of a long one. But the weight of the city no longer looms on my shoulders, and I can begin to find comfort in things that had got lost within the wreckage. All  I know is that before I want to get anywhere with my life; and to achieve whatever it is that I want to achieve I need to give myself this time to heal.