So I have finally devised a sensible plan for my future that has proper taken the stress of me, and made me realise there is no point in rushing things. The final year of university has been hell, putting me through so much stress for various reasons and triggered a mental breakdown and my depression in the process, so safe to say I need a break. However instead of just calling it quits I had a good old chat with my mamma and we came up with a plan/goal to aim for, so the plan is too take a year out and move back to the City next September to do my post-graduate.
It is crazy how much setting up this goal really cheered me up and motivated me, and made me feel less useless. As my original plan was to stay in the City no matter what, but I am so glad i am doing it this way as it is what is going to work best for me. Also, if people can’t understand my decision, then they can’t understand that what is right for you is not necessarily going to be the same for me. I have accepted that not everyone has to live life at the same pace, and you do not have to try to keep up with other people just for the sake of it (because that will backfire on you in the future).
So I am taking it day by day, but to stop the boredom or shitty feeling of not being good enough kicking in I have made sure I have plans sorted for the summer, so that I have things too look forward too. Starting of with this weekend, me and my bestie Sophie are heading to Blackpool for the weekend, to mess around like little kids and have a laugh. Having these small plans really does motivate your day to day life, so it is something I 100% recommend for people who were struggling to get out of bed / through the day like I was. Also look out for a cute post about Blackpool once I am back, hoping to get some good photos as well so watch this space.
Something that I have been telling myself for a good few months now is that once I have handed in all my Uni work, and I am no longer a student I can sort myself out. Isn’t t it strange how much powerful your mindset is on how you treat yourself as a person? Like, students have certain stigmas: drink too much, party all the time, sleep in, etc. And when your a student, your mindset gets set into this format during freshers week, and that’s it – before you know it every little thing that happens to you in your life gets the reply: “It’s okay, I’m a Student”.
It is so unhealthy, but it’s the environment you live in that sucks you up and spits you out in your final year as your soul crushes into your dissertation. So the point that I am getting at is that at the minute, I have the excuse of being a student to fall back on as a mask for my self destructive nature. However, once that safety blanket is taking away from me, I will have no choice but to make a big change to how I think.
You see once that student label is taken away from you, the habits that you have picked up, and the destructive lifestyle you lead all of a sudden has a different light shone upon it. It is no longer ‘cool’ and ‘normal’, it’s woah, what are you doing with your life? So that is why I have put off counselling until after April, one because I do not need that extra stress right now, and two I think I will only be fully willing to change once this time comes around.
I am hoping and praying that this change in circumstance will really make me reevaluate the way I view my life. But for the time being I have to take it day by day, and try not to fuck up too much.
We all know how much it is preached to live in the ‘now’, that today is a gift, that’s why its a present, and so on. Yeah that may be an incredible notion, but if the way you choose to live in the now is going to dramatically effect your future you kind of need to think again. All I crave is to live my life in the moment, to be out partying and enjoying myself; but that can only last so long – and will only continue to damage my future. What I have realized as part of my progress of getting myself in a better state of mind about life, and my future is that I have to take a step back from the intoxicating crazy lifestyle. I have to think where is this going to get you in a few months, when you are no longer a student, have no job, and cannot afford to live in the city.
What I have realized about this, is that I am actually thinking about a future; I mean it may seem like a bleak future at the minute but at least I can see past coping till the end of the day. This may seem a really minor thing, but to me it is huge. It means that I am not solely driven by this notion to destroy myself, I actually want to live. So I now can detach myself from the distractions and influences, but I will not lie that pull to the city is very, very, strong; and I have only been home a week. My mind is still very weak, I mean the weekend is looming and the overwhelming desire to go out and get absolutely shitfaced with my friends is very high. But I cannot be trusted, because it’s never just a ‘few drinks’, its me vomiting in the street because I cannot control myself. Or it’s me surrounded by random people doing drugs in an after party.
The problem is that the way most of people like to socialize, is over a few drinks; but I am not in a strong enough place to do that. So for the friends that stick by me through that, and make other plans that aren’t central to that lifestyle – you are the absolute best. To the friends that only want to spend time with my getting wrecked, even though its clearly destroying my life – you can go fuck yourselves.