Guess who’s back.

Horray, I am back! Back too the real world after spending a month locked away slaving away on my dissertation which is finally submitted, horray! But I will tell you now I have had the month from hell, and not from the stress of the dissertation.

Last bank holiday is where it all went wrong, I went out with my gal pal for a night out but ended up with one of her so called ‘friends’, he was one of those people that peer pressures you into things, and is sorta forceful but you joke it off? I dunno, I thought to myself that he can’t be that bad if my best friend is friends with him?

So anyway the night goes on and we are ready to head out to the proper clubs, we are on our way and turns out he is on pub watch (does not surprise me) and somehow ended up manipulating me in the car to promising to stay with him if he doesn’t get in, manipulative son of a BITCH, but by this time I was proper wasted so i went along with it, my bestie didn’t say anything so that’s what happened.

We ended up going back to his for a sesh, a mad one as well got proper fucked up, and he kept encouraging me to buy him stuff, etc. but the worst is yet to come. When he had had enough of me being there because his other friends where now about and he would rather be with them, he made me get in a car with total strangers to take me back to my besties house. I had none of my stuff with me, I left it at his – but he had the CHEEK to say that I took everything with me, and that I must’ve lost it. At this point I started to breakdown, like PROPER because no one would believe me, and then I began to doubt myself. So I had to ring my mum to pick me up in tears because I thought I lost everything, so she saw me in a right state. But to no surprise, when my best mate went down to his house once he was home all my stuff was there safe and sound.

So all that stress for nothing, but lesson learned there for sure – never want too see that prick again, and I need to stop being such a nice a giving person to people who do not deserve it. SO I have been on pretty much house arrest as my mum keeps worrying sick, but she is finally cooling off now in time for me too go back to the city for a bit, thank god. I will keep you updated on my adventures, but for now, WOO I’M BACK.

Optimism.

So yesterday while enjoying a long car journey in the countryside, anyone else love the journey to somewhere more than getting to the destination? Being able to look out into the world with no cares or worries, imaging all types of fantasies that you never want to end? Anyway,  I had my music on, and I was looking out at the fields and a massive smile swept upon myself, and for the first time in my life I felt optimism. I realized that I do have a future, and I can be happy. I do not think I have ever felt a more natural happiness and weight lifted off my shoulders in that moment, when I finally realized i am actually going to be okay.

It’s weird how those moments can just come out of nowhere, and completely change your outlook on life. Now that I know i want to live, and I want a future for myself the extreme side to my self destructive tendencies have started to cool off, don’t get me wrong they are still there – just not as intense. However this is all in the environment of my family room, in the middle of the countryside where the devil does not loom as much on my shoulder as it does in the city.  Therefor the real test for me is going to be this weekend when I go back too the City.

I’m not moving back, I’m just going back for a few days to test the water and get some work done for my dissertation. My best friend from home is coming with me for a night out tomorrow night, and the way that pans out is going to be the truest test for me – to try not to take it too far, and to just have a good happy time. But I also want too see if my mood, and episodes come back with being back there, I’m hoping that because there is always going to be someone there I can talk too during my stay that it hopefully won’t be as bad as before. As I can’t run from it forever, I need to get on with my life and make something for myself – and the City is the best place for that.

Mindsets.

Something that I have been telling myself for a good few months now is that once I have handed in all my Uni work, and I am no longer a student I can sort myself out. Isn’t t it strange how much powerful your mindset is on how you treat yourself as a person? Like, students have certain stigmas: drink too much, party all the time, sleep in, etc. And when your a student, your mindset gets set into this format during freshers week, and that’s it – before you know it every little thing that happens to you in your life gets the reply: “It’s okay, I’m a Student”.

It is so unhealthy, but it’s the environment you live in that sucks you up and spits you out in your final year as your soul crushes into your dissertation. So the point that I am getting at is that at the minute, I have the excuse of being a student to fall back on as a mask for my self destructive nature. However, once that safety blanket is taking away from me, I will have no choice but to make a big change to how I think.

You see once that student label is taken away from you, the habits that you have picked up, and the destructive lifestyle you lead all of a sudden has a different light shone upon it. It is no longer ‘cool’ and ‘normal’, it’s woah, what are you doing with your life? So that is why I have put off counselling until after April, one because I do not need that extra stress right now, and two I think I will only be fully willing to change once this time comes around.

I am hoping and praying that this change in circumstance will really make me reevaluate the way I view my life. But for the time being I have to take it day by day, and try not to fuck up too much.

Resisting Temptation.

So today, on a Monday of all days, my strength was tested. It was my first time back to the City since my breakdown not that long ago and resisting the temptation to stay was overwhelmingly difficult. It is so weird how a place and environment can have such a massive impact on your behavior and emotions, but it does.A few days before I was really excited about this return, I was messaging all my friends and trying to arrange to make plans, in my head I wanted too go out and party – which would mean getting wasted. There goes my brain again, looking for a quick fix. I was excited to return until it hit me with the reason why, and it’s not a positive one.

So last night in bed it all came forward and made sense to me, and a mini depression episode / breakdown occurred. I was laid in bed and thought to myself, you are just going to waste your time and money – both of which you do not have much spare to loose. I thought to myself honestly Emma it’s just not worth it, you are not going to gain anything from this in the long run because you know in that place you are a completely different person.The environment of that student house, the unlimited freedom – is a curse more than a blessing. Ultimately it is not a place that I feel happy, because the bad memories that have been made in that house seriously outweigh the good, and most of the ‘good’ memories are related to drug and alcohol abuse, which is a massive trigger.

So I went back for the day, did what I had to do then came home. No fuss, no bother. I didn’t even feel sad leaving, I was happy. I knew that I did not what to be in that environment because I could predict what was going to come. Thank God, my priorities are starting to become more positive.

Keep thinking forward | 16/03/2017

We all know how much it is preached to live in the ‘now’, that today is a gift, that’s why its a present, and so on. Yeah that may be an incredible notion, but if the way you choose to live in the now is going to dramatically effect your future you kind of need to think again.  All I crave is to live my life in the moment, to be out partying and enjoying myself; but that can only last so long – and will only continue to damage my future. What I have realized as part of my progress of getting myself in a better state of mind about life, and my future is that I have to take a step back from the intoxicating crazy lifestyle. I have to think where is this going to get you in a few months, when you are no longer a student, have no job, and cannot afford to live in the city.

What I have realized about this, is that I am actually thinking about a future; I mean it may seem like a bleak future at the minute but at least I can see past coping till the end of the day. This may seem a really minor thing,  but to me it is huge. It means that I am not solely driven by this notion to destroy myself, I actually want to live. So I now can detach myself from the distractions and influences, but I will not lie that pull to the city is very, very, strong; and I have only been home a week. My mind is still very weak, I mean the weekend is looming and the overwhelming desire to go out and get absolutely shitfaced with my friends is very high. But I cannot be trusted, because it’s never just a ‘few drinks’, its me vomiting in the street because I cannot control myself. Or it’s me surrounded by random people doing drugs in an after party.

The problem is that the way most of people like to socialize, is over a few drinks; but I am not in a strong enough place to do that. So for the friends that stick by me through that, and make other plans that aren’t central to that lifestyle – you are the absolute best. To the friends that only want to spend time with my getting wrecked, even though its clearly destroying my life – you can go fuck yourselves.

Hello, again. | 13/03/2017

Surprise, surprise like everything else in my life my blog has been abandoned, neglected and forgotten about. My life has literally fallen apart. In my final year at University, struggling through the quicksand that is deadlines, while trying to keep my head above water with my part time job. I failed, and I sank.The problem with me me and my charming self destructive tendencies is that if things do not get as low as they can get, I will never stop – or learn. Thus here I am, suffering with depression, self-harm (in more ways than one), fighting off thoughts of death, that I am weak and not worthy.

So I have moved home, left my part time job and finishing my degree from home. You know what, I have never felt more relieved in my life. To be back around nature, family, positive energy and above all love.And, things are getting better. You see once you admit something to yourself, that you have been fighting for so long the weight immediately lifts itself from your shoulders. It can be something so mediocre, but that does not mean it is any less important.See here I am, back doing things that I enjoy – I’m blogging, actually enjoying getting dressed in the morning, hey I can actually get out of bed! That is a massive achievement when you are dealing with depression, the struggle is most definitely real.

So this is just a little post, saying that I’m back. I’m getting better, and I am trying to get back to the way I am. I’m not sure what this blog will become, it could become ramblings of my struggling with depression, I could end up posting reviews, outfit posts, who knows. Whatever I feel like posting I suppose, so let’s see what happens.